Saturday, April 2, 2011

4/2/11

Last night I went out to town to chill with Jackie. We sat in town like bums and drove around trying to think of anything that could possibly make the night entertaining. After a few loops around different parts of the town and a few scattered meet ups and awkward encounters, we sort of gave up and just went back to town. Went home at like 12:30 defeated again by my lack of social life.

Driving around we were talking and laughing and gossiping a bit, and this kid George came up, he used to live on my block back when I was in middle school. We used to skate and listen to music and sit on the curb after school doing nothing after school... I hadn't seen him or talked to him in about 6 year I would say, and I had heard he got involved in some real bad things, and I cracked a joke when his name got brought up like "that kid's still alive?" and as it turns out he died the other day. My face sorta went white and Jackie told me he killed himself or died of a heroine overdose or something to that extent... things like that always sort of hit me heavy for some reason. It's just crazy that we can all start up in the same place and be little innocent kids and end up so far apart in a matter of 6 years. It's a scary thing. Terrifying, actually.

Then I came home dwelling on it, and while the particular event didn't depress me, the thought of the 6 year concept stayed on my mind. I went upstairs to grab my computer from my brother sleeping in his bed, and when I took it downstairs he was still opened up to a facebook conversation that I'm not really gonna get into because I feel way guilty seeing it, but what I read combined with the thoughts I was having really hit me hard. He's growing up way too fast and it worries me so much and I don't even want my brother to grow up. I hate his friends that I feel like are pressuring him into doing these things, and I hate those girls who have tried to act like they're older than they are since they were in 8th grade, with drinking and smoking and having sex. It hit me really hard and I couldn't sleep and I kept thinking about going upstairs and just screaming at him, but I didn't.

I fell asleep and I dreamed about being in a room with all my friends and playing guitar and all of us making our own sound and everyone was listening or sleeping and just looking so happy and I was so happy. Nights like last night make me want to put my face to a pillow and stay in that dream.

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