Daydreaming will be the death of me. Today I recreated an estimated 30-45 scenarios involving me sparking a conversation with this girl that came into the store today, each with ranging levels on confidence in my word choice/tone, all resulting in different reactions and thus different outcomes. First dates, first phone conversations, first kisses in some. Driving around in my car without music was really would kept my head so fogged with all this nonsense. I had nothing to hone in on, and all the scattered impulses in my brain grabbed on to as many hypothetical situations as they could. It drove me crazy. This is my reaction to almost every pretty girl I see. I can create them so vividly it almost seems irrelevant to me that I didn't say a word to her, to any of them.
A strong loneliness is stalking me. I can see it behind me, like watching all the light of the world slowly crawl toward the horizon at the sunset. I have felt this loneliness before and I am not looking forward to it, but have almost accepted it's inevitability. I don't think I can change the way I'm thought of, and I feel like it's almost a hopeless goal. I can't decide whether to be harder on myself, stop craving attention, live independently, completely reclusive, or maybe I'm too hard on myself as it is. A natural desire to be attended to and loved is an intrinsic part of our species, is it not? I almost hope that it's not true, because the latter seems more hopeless to me. Some people I had once fell back on and became so close with are almost unrecognizable to me. The party drugs and the promiscuity and the lack of regard for anything remotely related to other peoples feelings has left a small fire of hatred in my heart, fueled by anger of the idea of change itself.
Where the hell did these blisters on my hand come from? This morning I woke up with a spider on me and for the entire day I've felt something crawling on me.
I miss Greg and Tyler. Fuck, I miss everyone. All the time. I wish everyone could just feel this, all the love, I wish I could make it emanate from me.
I get this strong sense of urgency sometimes, like this lingering feeling that I haven't been real for months on end now. Like I haven't spoken a real word, like my mind hasn't been open to anyone but myself and my books and my writings. There's so much I feel like I need to say but I feel like if I say them they become real and if they become real I go back to square one of all of this. My mind keeps telling me I'm okay, my gut does not agree. A similar rivalry has grown between them, one regarding my sense of self-awareness. When this feeling pops up time and time again, my gut tells me I haven't been real. Or my subconscious, rather. Or perhaps they imply the same thing. Regardless, my mind tells me I am being real. Am I myself? How can I make that judgement if I don't know me? Who's to say the words out of my mouth are spoken by the true tongue behind it? This constant system of checks and balances is failing, and has left me an timid, cowardly wreck. Where has all my confidence gone? I am too afraid to even cry to my friends, which is really all I want to do right now, but instead I am in my dark room, stone-faced, tapping away at this pseudo emotional release.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
5/24 - 6/1
Wednesday was the practice room concert. Amazing as always. I got footage of everyones whole set (except Konrad, I was so zoned in I completely forgot to film.) Here are my highlights from each set.
Son Oak (Greg):
Mages/Michael Brandon (Mike Mausler):
Trestin Eeling (Kenny Korb):
I got all of Tapestry (Casey's) too, but he never got through more than half a song haha and I don't know how he would feel if I posted them here, he is fucking amazing though and I really hope he like memorizes his songs and plays for us again, so so so impressed. And Glass Frog's (Konrad's) set was amazing and entrancing as always.
Thursday was mah birthday and I had a lot of people over and we played a lot of drinking games, smoked a lot of hookah, played drunk wiffle ball, listened to music, hung out, and had a lot of good bbq. Didn't have any videos of this day, because well it was pretty run-of-the mill to be honest, although I should have documented our first slap-a-hoe games... but that will be played a lot more in the future. Turned in pretty early, drinking all day really tires me out.
Friday I had to wake up at like 10 which blows and I had a double shift and I don't even remember what I did after. OH this was the night I came home to go to sleep, but then Greg convinced me to go to the DDI and play manhunt and chill with everyone, which evolved into everyone just chilled with no manhunt at the DDI. Definitely the funniest line of the night was when Thog was trying to like, recreate the scenario prior to this kid texting Jess, and he was imagining this kids friends being like "YO THAT BITCH LOOK LIKE SHE GOT A FINE VAGINA," and I don't think anyone has ever said that, ever, and I laughed about it for a long time hahahahaha. Also Steve tried to kill us all. No biggy.
SATURDAY was a shittttttttt show. I worked, and after work we were supposed to go to Molly Blooms to make fun of Jess and Kim for pouring shots there, but they bailed, so we just drank at Kim's instead, and I completed my task of getting hammered, as did everyone else it seemed. Really a good night.
Sunday night I woke up at Salwen's with Kyle and we chilled and went back to my house and Greg checked out my two pedals and then he left and I had work and after work there was a sick few games of frisbee, and even my brother came along and it was wonderful to see him having fun and getting better at the game, and enjoying himself.
Monday was memorial day and I went to Greg Falk's at like 2 and ate great barbecue and went swimming for the first time this summer, and it felt amazing. Chilled, played a lot of would you rather, and rated Jess Katon in comparison to all the other girls in smithtown MUAHAHAHA. Then I left with Kyle and went to meet with Mike and Koke at the Dennison and played one of the best games of frisbee I've ever played. Chilled with them two at the sound spot for a while talking about past loves, then dipped back to my house for some good ol' zombies and oven pizza. Salwen is gone from here on out and it really sucks. A lot.
Yesterday me and Koke went to play Weber and Mike in basketball and it was fucking scorching hot, and it wasn't fun. BUT WE WON! Then we all parted ways, and at night I did nothing and then Weber came over and we watched the basketball game.
Today I had work and I stopped by to give Eric some pizza and chill, then after work I came home and worked on the pool and backyard til the sun went down. Then eventually me and Kyle met up at the dennison, Lavelle came, Kenny came, we skated and tossed a frisbee and got some funny videos recorded on Greg's old camera which I hope Kenny uploads so I can post em here haha. These russian exchange students drove in and started taking pictures of random shit, then 2 of them went on a walk and this girl Lida came over and hung out with us for a while, and spoke REALLY broken english hahaha but we taught her how to throw a frisbee and she even tried her luck on the skateboard haha it was really cool, friendly people are great. Tried to get her to experience the sound spot but I don't think she really understood at all what we were saying and it just got awkward hahahaha. Then we parted ways and now I'm home, dreading my 11 shift tomorrow.
Son Oak (Greg):
Mages/Michael Brandon (Mike Mausler):
Trestin Eeling (Kenny Korb):
I got all of Tapestry (Casey's) too, but he never got through more than half a song haha and I don't know how he would feel if I posted them here, he is fucking amazing though and I really hope he like memorizes his songs and plays for us again, so so so impressed. And Glass Frog's (Konrad's) set was amazing and entrancing as always.
Thursday was mah birthday and I had a lot of people over and we played a lot of drinking games, smoked a lot of hookah, played drunk wiffle ball, listened to music, hung out, and had a lot of good bbq. Didn't have any videos of this day, because well it was pretty run-of-the mill to be honest, although I should have documented our first slap-a-hoe games... but that will be played a lot more in the future. Turned in pretty early, drinking all day really tires me out.
Friday I had to wake up at like 10 which blows and I had a double shift and I don't even remember what I did after. OH this was the night I came home to go to sleep, but then Greg convinced me to go to the DDI and play manhunt and chill with everyone, which evolved into everyone just chilled with no manhunt at the DDI. Definitely the funniest line of the night was when Thog was trying to like, recreate the scenario prior to this kid texting Jess, and he was imagining this kids friends being like "YO THAT BITCH LOOK LIKE SHE GOT A FINE VAGINA," and I don't think anyone has ever said that, ever, and I laughed about it for a long time hahahahaha. Also Steve tried to kill us all. No biggy.
SATURDAY was a shittttttttt show. I worked, and after work we were supposed to go to Molly Blooms to make fun of Jess and Kim for pouring shots there, but they bailed, so we just drank at Kim's instead, and I completed my task of getting hammered, as did everyone else it seemed. Really a good night.
Sunday night I woke up at Salwen's with Kyle and we chilled and went back to my house and Greg checked out my two pedals and then he left and I had work and after work there was a sick few games of frisbee, and even my brother came along and it was wonderful to see him having fun and getting better at the game, and enjoying himself.
Monday was memorial day and I went to Greg Falk's at like 2 and ate great barbecue and went swimming for the first time this summer, and it felt amazing. Chilled, played a lot of would you rather, and rated Jess Katon in comparison to all the other girls in smithtown MUAHAHAHA. Then I left with Kyle and went to meet with Mike and Koke at the Dennison and played one of the best games of frisbee I've ever played. Chilled with them two at the sound spot for a while talking about past loves, then dipped back to my house for some good ol' zombies and oven pizza. Salwen is gone from here on out and it really sucks. A lot.
Yesterday me and Koke went to play Weber and Mike in basketball and it was fucking scorching hot, and it wasn't fun. BUT WE WON! Then we all parted ways, and at night I did nothing and then Weber came over and we watched the basketball game.
Today I had work and I stopped by to give Eric some pizza and chill, then after work I came home and worked on the pool and backyard til the sun went down. Then eventually me and Kyle met up at the dennison, Lavelle came, Kenny came, we skated and tossed a frisbee and got some funny videos recorded on Greg's old camera which I hope Kenny uploads so I can post em here haha. These russian exchange students drove in and started taking pictures of random shit, then 2 of them went on a walk and this girl Lida came over and hung out with us for a while, and spoke REALLY broken english hahaha but we taught her how to throw a frisbee and she even tried her luck on the skateboard haha it was really cool, friendly people are great. Tried to get her to experience the sound spot but I don't think she really understood at all what we were saying and it just got awkward hahahaha. Then we parted ways and now I'm home, dreading my 11 shift tomorrow.
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