http://www.mediafire.com/?9rxrtp0ycm4r1f2
New Mark Mcguire is fucking amazing. Get it.
Today I went to one class and ditched the other and wrote a really long thing about Binghamton, in relation to how shitty it is. I'm not gonna post it because it's really depressing haha but it's worth noting that after I wrote it, I looked up outside and the clouds opened up and there was blue right above me. It felt really amazing. The sun's at least always fighting to shine, even behind the thickest clouds. It made me smile.
Boston this weekend. Video's will ensue for sure.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
9/26
Had jack shit to do today, first weekday in a while I felt totally free. So I did a lot of jamming, and wrote this:
It's very improvised so there's a lot of notes that are just completely out of key haha but it comes together pretty well I think... definitely something I want to give some format. I'll call it "I'll Never Find My Skateboard." Also there's like a minute of me just fucking around completely at the end hahaha so you can stop listening at like 8:50.
I have 2 or 3 more from today so if anyone actually reads this blog (hey Tyler,) and you dig the tunes, I'll send you them, they're a bit too long for uploading on vimeo. They're all sloppy as fuck.
It's very improvised so there's a lot of notes that are just completely out of key haha but it comes together pretty well I think... definitely something I want to give some format. I'll call it "I'll Never Find My Skateboard." Also there's like a minute of me just fucking around completely at the end hahaha so you can stop listening at like 8:50.
I have 2 or 3 more from today so if anyone actually reads this blog (hey Tyler,) and you dig the tunes, I'll send you them, they're a bit too long for uploading on vimeo. They're all sloppy as fuck.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Plans
YOOOOOOOO so I sort of died out on the whole video taking thing. I'd like to say that I'm gonna get back into it, but I don't want it to become an obligation. If I do get sick viddies I'll still post em.
Uhhhh so needless to say, I haven't been using this at all. But I've been keeping busy and I think what I'm gonna start doing here is just taking videos of some of my jams and posting them here so I can sort of have them forever. What's been happening recently, which sucks, is that I've been jamming and getting really into it and not taking time to write anything down for the process, so essentially I lose it unless I can remember everything at the end and scramble to write it all down. BUT, if I just take a sweet little viddy, I can have it forever. Problem solved.
I don't have any videos yet... but me and Greg and Kenny have been jamming as a little mini band and we played our first show tonight so there will be videos of that. I might not post them though, because I fucked up pretty hard. As it turns out, I'm pretty susceptible to stage fright. Who knew?
I have some decent mixes I've been working on too. I'm gonna post it as soon as it finishes uploading. It's a good mix of oldies and some newish songs. I start making it when I first heard "Helplessness Blues" and, thus, it is titled appropriately "Helplessness Blues." A lot of these songs just have some pretty overwhelming feeling in them, or it least it makes me feel really a big rush of emotion. I dig it. I'll post it once I figure out how to get the fucking songs in the right order.
http://www.mediafire.com/?ibfpxkxzja8pnyn
Yeah, I couldn't figure out how to order it. Fuck it. All the songs are good so just listen to them.
Also it's worth saying that this year is going just swell thusfar. My house is perfect. I've had a real good social balance too and I've been getting all my work done. So that's good.
Maybe I'll post some of my writing here too, but that shit's all depressing as fuck, so who knows.
Uhhhh so needless to say, I haven't been using this at all. But I've been keeping busy and I think what I'm gonna start doing here is just taking videos of some of my jams and posting them here so I can sort of have them forever. What's been happening recently, which sucks, is that I've been jamming and getting really into it and not taking time to write anything down for the process, so essentially I lose it unless I can remember everything at the end and scramble to write it all down. BUT, if I just take a sweet little viddy, I can have it forever. Problem solved.
I don't have any videos yet... but me and Greg and Kenny have been jamming as a little mini band and we played our first show tonight so there will be videos of that. I might not post them though, because I fucked up pretty hard. As it turns out, I'm pretty susceptible to stage fright. Who knew?
I have some decent mixes I've been working on too. I'm gonna post it as soon as it finishes uploading. It's a good mix of oldies and some newish songs. I start making it when I first heard "Helplessness Blues" and, thus, it is titled appropriately "Helplessness Blues." A lot of these songs just have some pretty overwhelming feeling in them, or it least it makes me feel really a big rush of emotion. I dig it. I'll post it once I figure out how to get the fucking songs in the right order.
http://www.mediafire.com/?ibfpxkxzja8pnyn
Yeah, I couldn't figure out how to order it. Fuck it. All the songs are good so just listen to them.
Also it's worth saying that this year is going just swell thusfar. My house is perfect. I've had a real good social balance too and I've been getting all my work done. So that's good.
Maybe I'll post some of my writing here too, but that shit's all depressing as fuck, so who knows.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Summer/Midwest Trip/Everything in Between - June and July 2011
So I'm flipping through my camera and I guess the only way I can remember specifics is to watch these videos and explain them. I must say though, it does a pretty accurate job of describing my summer, and anything new I've done is captured I think, sans a few awesome days.
The first video here is an AMAZING Chaudry house performance, got to see For Serious This Time and unfortunately my camera died and didn't get to catch my fav songs or the other bands, but as always it was an amazing night. I really hope to play one next summer, great motivation to keep me going.
There have been some fun drunk nights, one night Jake came down to LI for a night and we had an amazing day actually, we went out to Long Beach and jumped off the rock and I showed him David Weld's with Kyle and we found the old little fort people built out of driftwood and rocks, it was so much more legitimate now and painted beautifully. So like, romantic and unnatural to Smithtown. That night we met up with Dom and Andrew and we got Famous Dave's and it was cool getting a bunch of the old roomies together. Played some SOLID slap-a-hoe and drank at my house with my sister and all her friends... Dom and Jake and Kyle crashed and it was a fun night. Gotta hit up Staten Island for sure soon.
So many good nights with Tyler too, the one night that's standing out to me right now the most is the night we chilled in his backyard and played cards by candlelight then went out for a walk all around and it was very nostalgic and funny. Oakside never gets old.
Then one weekend me, Dom, and Eric drove up to Binghamton to chill for a weekend. Met up with James, Kelly, Erin, Katie, Katelyn, and Ari, and Adam, Evan and Pete were there too for the summer. Both nights I got way too drunk and it was way too much fun... Ari's house was cool and I LOVE my house, it's got such a nice flow and there's not much to say about this weekend other than how incredibly pumped it got me for next year. I also realized yet again how lucky I am to have been roomed with the people I did freshman year, and to have met the girls, and everything just seemed so loving and serendipitous that weekend. God the videos are embarassing though.... This bonfire was sick though even though Dom and Eric had to start DUKING IT OUT AT THE END FUCKING GUIDOS.
I'll be sure to write about more of these nights as I remember them, but as of now I wanna get to these Midwest videos.
So the 4th of July we went to Weber's house for a party and it was pretty chill, I didn't drink because of the weekend hahaha, but I had a lot of fun, played the name-on-forehead game, bonfire status, good talks. Stayed up til like 4AM to catch our train, which was miserable, then caught our 630 bus or something, and slept so hard. Such a good bus ride, megabus is THE BEST. Also, let it be noted that throughout this entire trip, collectively, we have listened to Bon Iver (Self Titled,) like 15 times. Slept to it like the whole time. Arrived in Pittsburgh, explored, got great sandwiches, found out everything was fucking closed on Tuesday (WTF,) chilled on the Ohio river for a while. Braided a fishing rod out of random long grass, and tried to catch fish, but alas, we did not succeed. Traveled across a bridge, saw a real fisherman, saw an AMAZING sand sculpture, then Chris came to meet up. Hit up a Pirates game haha, which was actually a lot of fun! Then we got stuck in a parking garage for like 2 hours and got back to Chris's house, chilled and watched a random movie with Donald Glover. Kid's the man.
Woke up, hit up this sandwich place, forgot the name, but it was absurd. French fries and coleslaw and so much fuckin meat on it. Then got on the bus and dipped to Cincinatti. Arrived and followed this local to a little corner shop to get some beer, then waited around by this live music at this place called Fountain Square, it was pretty chillin.
Then our host Ryan picked us up, my first American couchsurfing experience, and he was the man. Showed us all about his cars (he was a BMW mechanic,) had some beers, talked about his racing career and music. He used to jam with Josiah Wolfe apparently. Got a good nights sleep, woke up VERY early and caught a bus into the downtown area.
Trekked decently far to get to this art museum, only to find that we got there 2 hours before it opened. Sweet. Ended up sleeping on a park bench for a little while haha. Finally entered the museum, saw some sweet art, some sweet circus posters, it was cool, and most importantly, free. Then we trekked back and went to the countries oldest farmers market (so we're told,) and it was decently cool. Expensive. Had my first "coney," which is apparently the quintessential Cincinatti food, which is pretty much a chili cheese dog. It was gross. We took a long walk through a decently sketchy area... sketchy enough to see drug deals and 5 dollar games of c-lo being played. Pretty cool I guess. AMERICA! Hopped on another bus, Chicago bound.
Arrived pretty late in Chicago, asked around, hopped on a random ass train, got to a random ass place, started heading north. We were trying our hardest to get to this theater that the Flaming Lips were performing The Soft Bulletin at, we eventually found it, and started looking for scalpers, and we found some to buy, but then somehow Greg found this kid who wanted to just give us 2 tickets if we gave him some liquor... also, it should be noted, we had no where to sleep that night, and were planning on sleeping on grass somewhere not sketchy, and like had scoped out some spots. Anyway this kid seemed decently sketchy but like, whatever, free tickets, sick. We get in and everything and we're chilling with him and his girlfriend (I assumed), James and Maddy were their names. The show was AMAZING, such a crazy fun show, lights and props and everything. They even played Do You Realize?!? and it was breathtaking.
Anyway apparently the kid said we could stay with him that night, he got progressively cooler, started out seeming like just some thug looking for free booze, then he seemed like really druggy hippy and whatnot, but he was nice enough, so we took him up on his offer. Walked to his car and he ended up telling us these CRAZY stories about him like, chilling with Steve Tyler, and doing acid and the Electric Forest, and getting arrested in Las Vegas, and soooooo much stuff, all the while we sat at some park and his car was on for no reason. So then he tells us he's on acid now, and that he met this girl 3 days ago, and they just travelled together after Electric Forest and a lot of drugs, and we still figured we'd stay with him, so we met him at his place, which we later found out wasn't his, so we broke into his friends place, who we never met, and then he was like "yeah he's probably not coming home tonight. also I didn't tell him you guys were here. We're going out for a bit, be back whenever." and he left til like SEVEN IN THE MORNING and we were so confused and I was scared hahahaha. Also he told us stories about him like dosing his friends with acid, like a lot, so I didn't like eat or drink anything he offered haha. Sooo that was a better night of sleep than sleeping on the streets I guess. The next day we explored more of Chicago, saw the bean, got deep dish, swam in Lake Michigan, played some frisbee, got some custard. Great day. Bussed it overnight to Saint Louis.
Arrived in Saint Louis at like 6 AM, and explored the city looking for ANYTHING OPEN, but nothing was hahaha apparently no one lives in like the downtown area. Saw the arch, it was pretty magnificent. Then this girl Maggie picked us up, we were crashing at her place. She had a very nice southern style house, and a nice family. Showered, relaxed, then hit up the zoo which was SICK saw some awesome animals and PET SOME FUCKING PENGUINS (illicitly.)
Then we went to the science center and it was kinda lame, but we talked about a lot of interesting stuff regarding family life, and racism, and being brought up into that environment, and religious schools and whatnot. Very interesting and foreign stuff to me. AMERICA. Watched this omnimax "Sea Rex," but really didn't watch cause it sucked and I just slept hahaha. Went back to her house for naps, and reading and chess playing. After that we had a home-cooked meal which was great, and then we met up with her friends at The City Museum. The place is indescribable.
I've never felt happier, and I genuinely felt like a child again. It was the best place I've ever been. At the end though when I was like, crawling through nothing but wire about 6 stories above ground, it got really fucking scary hahahaha. Also the giant dome that you can climb up bars all the way up to the roof was the scariest thing I've ever done. Everyone who reads this should somehow make it a point to see this place before they die.
Then we went back to her place and slept. Back to Chicago the next morning by like 9. Walked down to China town and met up with our host, Kate. She was really cool and lived in a super nice neighborhood. We pretty much just went to sleep, and the next morning we got chinese food and super good tea. Walked around more, walked to Northerly Island which was kind of underwhelming... although we successfully skinny dipped Lake Michigan, in broad daylight, potentially in front of a lot of people. Twas awesomely badass. Then sat around Millenium Park for a while, saw some nutso fountain with moving faces on it...
pretty odd. We each bought a bottle of wine and saw some free live music from Bombino (sp?) and Delicate Steve. Both pretty chill. Got more win and cider and explored some more then ended up back at Kates for more drinks and some pasta and snacks and accordion playing and chilling. Sick night.
Woke up, walked to the bus stop, now I'm here in Cincinatti at some married couple's house. They are Eugene and I wanna say Shellia but that's probably wrong. Anyway they are very very chill and told us many tales about Switzerland living, and roadtripping america for 6 weeks, and crossing russia and everything. Very very cool couple. They also taught us how to brew beer which I think we're gonna do and then we went out for coney's and beers (they were less gross this time.)
This was rushed. I'll come back and write more and post more videos, but I have a bus to Pittsburgh in 4 hours and my laptop is gonna die anyway. Great days man.
The first video here is an AMAZING Chaudry house performance, got to see For Serious This Time and unfortunately my camera died and didn't get to catch my fav songs or the other bands, but as always it was an amazing night. I really hope to play one next summer, great motivation to keep me going.
There have been some fun drunk nights, one night Jake came down to LI for a night and we had an amazing day actually, we went out to Long Beach and jumped off the rock and I showed him David Weld's with Kyle and we found the old little fort people built out of driftwood and rocks, it was so much more legitimate now and painted beautifully. So like, romantic and unnatural to Smithtown. That night we met up with Dom and Andrew and we got Famous Dave's and it was cool getting a bunch of the old roomies together. Played some SOLID slap-a-hoe and drank at my house with my sister and all her friends... Dom and Jake and Kyle crashed and it was a fun night. Gotta hit up Staten Island for sure soon.
So many good nights with Tyler too, the one night that's standing out to me right now the most is the night we chilled in his backyard and played cards by candlelight then went out for a walk all around and it was very nostalgic and funny. Oakside never gets old.
Then one weekend me, Dom, and Eric drove up to Binghamton to chill for a weekend. Met up with James, Kelly, Erin, Katie, Katelyn, and Ari, and Adam, Evan and Pete were there too for the summer. Both nights I got way too drunk and it was way too much fun... Ari's house was cool and I LOVE my house, it's got such a nice flow and there's not much to say about this weekend other than how incredibly pumped it got me for next year. I also realized yet again how lucky I am to have been roomed with the people I did freshman year, and to have met the girls, and everything just seemed so loving and serendipitous that weekend. God the videos are embarassing though.... This bonfire was sick though even though Dom and Eric had to start DUKING IT OUT AT THE END FUCKING GUIDOS.
I'll be sure to write about more of these nights as I remember them, but as of now I wanna get to these Midwest videos.
So the 4th of July we went to Weber's house for a party and it was pretty chill, I didn't drink because of the weekend hahaha, but I had a lot of fun, played the name-on-forehead game, bonfire status, good talks. Stayed up til like 4AM to catch our train, which was miserable, then caught our 630 bus or something, and slept so hard. Such a good bus ride, megabus is THE BEST. Also, let it be noted that throughout this entire trip, collectively, we have listened to Bon Iver (Self Titled,) like 15 times. Slept to it like the whole time. Arrived in Pittsburgh, explored, got great sandwiches, found out everything was fucking closed on Tuesday (WTF,) chilled on the Ohio river for a while. Braided a fishing rod out of random long grass, and tried to catch fish, but alas, we did not succeed. Traveled across a bridge, saw a real fisherman, saw an AMAZING sand sculpture, then Chris came to meet up. Hit up a Pirates game haha, which was actually a lot of fun! Then we got stuck in a parking garage for like 2 hours and got back to Chris's house, chilled and watched a random movie with Donald Glover. Kid's the man.
Woke up, hit up this sandwich place, forgot the name, but it was absurd. French fries and coleslaw and so much fuckin meat on it. Then got on the bus and dipped to Cincinatti. Arrived and followed this local to a little corner shop to get some beer, then waited around by this live music at this place called Fountain Square, it was pretty chillin.
Then our host Ryan picked us up, my first American couchsurfing experience, and he was the man. Showed us all about his cars (he was a BMW mechanic,) had some beers, talked about his racing career and music. He used to jam with Josiah Wolfe apparently. Got a good nights sleep, woke up VERY early and caught a bus into the downtown area.
Trekked decently far to get to this art museum, only to find that we got there 2 hours before it opened. Sweet. Ended up sleeping on a park bench for a little while haha. Finally entered the museum, saw some sweet art, some sweet circus posters, it was cool, and most importantly, free. Then we trekked back and went to the countries oldest farmers market (so we're told,) and it was decently cool. Expensive. Had my first "coney," which is apparently the quintessential Cincinatti food, which is pretty much a chili cheese dog. It was gross. We took a long walk through a decently sketchy area... sketchy enough to see drug deals and 5 dollar games of c-lo being played. Pretty cool I guess. AMERICA! Hopped on another bus, Chicago bound.
Arrived pretty late in Chicago, asked around, hopped on a random ass train, got to a random ass place, started heading north. We were trying our hardest to get to this theater that the Flaming Lips were performing The Soft Bulletin at, we eventually found it, and started looking for scalpers, and we found some to buy, but then somehow Greg found this kid who wanted to just give us 2 tickets if we gave him some liquor... also, it should be noted, we had no where to sleep that night, and were planning on sleeping on grass somewhere not sketchy, and like had scoped out some spots. Anyway this kid seemed decently sketchy but like, whatever, free tickets, sick. We get in and everything and we're chilling with him and his girlfriend (I assumed), James and Maddy were their names. The show was AMAZING, such a crazy fun show, lights and props and everything. They even played Do You Realize?!? and it was breathtaking.
Anyway apparently the kid said we could stay with him that night, he got progressively cooler, started out seeming like just some thug looking for free booze, then he seemed like really druggy hippy and whatnot, but he was nice enough, so we took him up on his offer. Walked to his car and he ended up telling us these CRAZY stories about him like, chilling with Steve Tyler, and doing acid and the Electric Forest, and getting arrested in Las Vegas, and soooooo much stuff, all the while we sat at some park and his car was on for no reason. So then he tells us he's on acid now, and that he met this girl 3 days ago, and they just travelled together after Electric Forest and a lot of drugs, and we still figured we'd stay with him, so we met him at his place, which we later found out wasn't his, so we broke into his friends place, who we never met, and then he was like "yeah he's probably not coming home tonight. also I didn't tell him you guys were here. We're going out for a bit, be back whenever." and he left til like SEVEN IN THE MORNING and we were so confused and I was scared hahahaha. Also he told us stories about him like dosing his friends with acid, like a lot, so I didn't like eat or drink anything he offered haha. Sooo that was a better night of sleep than sleeping on the streets I guess. The next day we explored more of Chicago, saw the bean, got deep dish, swam in Lake Michigan, played some frisbee, got some custard. Great day. Bussed it overnight to Saint Louis.
Arrived in Saint Louis at like 6 AM, and explored the city looking for ANYTHING OPEN, but nothing was hahaha apparently no one lives in like the downtown area. Saw the arch, it was pretty magnificent. Then this girl Maggie picked us up, we were crashing at her place. She had a very nice southern style house, and a nice family. Showered, relaxed, then hit up the zoo which was SICK saw some awesome animals and PET SOME FUCKING PENGUINS (illicitly.)
Then we went to the science center and it was kinda lame, but we talked about a lot of interesting stuff regarding family life, and racism, and being brought up into that environment, and religious schools and whatnot. Very interesting and foreign stuff to me. AMERICA. Watched this omnimax "Sea Rex," but really didn't watch cause it sucked and I just slept hahaha. Went back to her house for naps, and reading and chess playing. After that we had a home-cooked meal which was great, and then we met up with her friends at The City Museum. The place is indescribable.
I've never felt happier, and I genuinely felt like a child again. It was the best place I've ever been. At the end though when I was like, crawling through nothing but wire about 6 stories above ground, it got really fucking scary hahahaha. Also the giant dome that you can climb up bars all the way up to the roof was the scariest thing I've ever done. Everyone who reads this should somehow make it a point to see this place before they die.
Then we went back to her place and slept. Back to Chicago the next morning by like 9. Walked down to China town and met up with our host, Kate. She was really cool and lived in a super nice neighborhood. We pretty much just went to sleep, and the next morning we got chinese food and super good tea. Walked around more, walked to Northerly Island which was kind of underwhelming... although we successfully skinny dipped Lake Michigan, in broad daylight, potentially in front of a lot of people. Twas awesomely badass. Then sat around Millenium Park for a while, saw some nutso fountain with moving faces on it...
pretty odd. We each bought a bottle of wine and saw some free live music from Bombino (sp?) and Delicate Steve. Both pretty chill. Got more win and cider and explored some more then ended up back at Kates for more drinks and some pasta and snacks and accordion playing and chilling. Sick night.
Woke up, walked to the bus stop, now I'm here in Cincinatti at some married couple's house. They are Eugene and I wanna say Shellia but that's probably wrong. Anyway they are very very chill and told us many tales about Switzerland living, and roadtripping america for 6 weeks, and crossing russia and everything. Very very cool couple. They also taught us how to brew beer which I think we're gonna do and then we went out for coney's and beers (they were less gross this time.)
This was rushed. I'll come back and write more and post more videos, but I have a bus to Pittsburgh in 4 hours and my laptop is gonna die anyway. Great days man.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Ramble
Daydreaming will be the death of me. Today I recreated an estimated 30-45 scenarios involving me sparking a conversation with this girl that came into the store today, each with ranging levels on confidence in my word choice/tone, all resulting in different reactions and thus different outcomes. First dates, first phone conversations, first kisses in some. Driving around in my car without music was really would kept my head so fogged with all this nonsense. I had nothing to hone in on, and all the scattered impulses in my brain grabbed on to as many hypothetical situations as they could. It drove me crazy. This is my reaction to almost every pretty girl I see. I can create them so vividly it almost seems irrelevant to me that I didn't say a word to her, to any of them.
A strong loneliness is stalking me. I can see it behind me, like watching all the light of the world slowly crawl toward the horizon at the sunset. I have felt this loneliness before and I am not looking forward to it, but have almost accepted it's inevitability. I don't think I can change the way I'm thought of, and I feel like it's almost a hopeless goal. I can't decide whether to be harder on myself, stop craving attention, live independently, completely reclusive, or maybe I'm too hard on myself as it is. A natural desire to be attended to and loved is an intrinsic part of our species, is it not? I almost hope that it's not true, because the latter seems more hopeless to me. Some people I had once fell back on and became so close with are almost unrecognizable to me. The party drugs and the promiscuity and the lack of regard for anything remotely related to other peoples feelings has left a small fire of hatred in my heart, fueled by anger of the idea of change itself.
Where the hell did these blisters on my hand come from? This morning I woke up with a spider on me and for the entire day I've felt something crawling on me.
I miss Greg and Tyler. Fuck, I miss everyone. All the time. I wish everyone could just feel this, all the love, I wish I could make it emanate from me.
I get this strong sense of urgency sometimes, like this lingering feeling that I haven't been real for months on end now. Like I haven't spoken a real word, like my mind hasn't been open to anyone but myself and my books and my writings. There's so much I feel like I need to say but I feel like if I say them they become real and if they become real I go back to square one of all of this. My mind keeps telling me I'm okay, my gut does not agree. A similar rivalry has grown between them, one regarding my sense of self-awareness. When this feeling pops up time and time again, my gut tells me I haven't been real. Or my subconscious, rather. Or perhaps they imply the same thing. Regardless, my mind tells me I am being real. Am I myself? How can I make that judgement if I don't know me? Who's to say the words out of my mouth are spoken by the true tongue behind it? This constant system of checks and balances is failing, and has left me an timid, cowardly wreck. Where has all my confidence gone? I am too afraid to even cry to my friends, which is really all I want to do right now, but instead I am in my dark room, stone-faced, tapping away at this pseudo emotional release.
A strong loneliness is stalking me. I can see it behind me, like watching all the light of the world slowly crawl toward the horizon at the sunset. I have felt this loneliness before and I am not looking forward to it, but have almost accepted it's inevitability. I don't think I can change the way I'm thought of, and I feel like it's almost a hopeless goal. I can't decide whether to be harder on myself, stop craving attention, live independently, completely reclusive, or maybe I'm too hard on myself as it is. A natural desire to be attended to and loved is an intrinsic part of our species, is it not? I almost hope that it's not true, because the latter seems more hopeless to me. Some people I had once fell back on and became so close with are almost unrecognizable to me. The party drugs and the promiscuity and the lack of regard for anything remotely related to other peoples feelings has left a small fire of hatred in my heart, fueled by anger of the idea of change itself.
Where the hell did these blisters on my hand come from? This morning I woke up with a spider on me and for the entire day I've felt something crawling on me.
I miss Greg and Tyler. Fuck, I miss everyone. All the time. I wish everyone could just feel this, all the love, I wish I could make it emanate from me.
I get this strong sense of urgency sometimes, like this lingering feeling that I haven't been real for months on end now. Like I haven't spoken a real word, like my mind hasn't been open to anyone but myself and my books and my writings. There's so much I feel like I need to say but I feel like if I say them they become real and if they become real I go back to square one of all of this. My mind keeps telling me I'm okay, my gut does not agree. A similar rivalry has grown between them, one regarding my sense of self-awareness. When this feeling pops up time and time again, my gut tells me I haven't been real. Or my subconscious, rather. Or perhaps they imply the same thing. Regardless, my mind tells me I am being real. Am I myself? How can I make that judgement if I don't know me? Who's to say the words out of my mouth are spoken by the true tongue behind it? This constant system of checks and balances is failing, and has left me an timid, cowardly wreck. Where has all my confidence gone? I am too afraid to even cry to my friends, which is really all I want to do right now, but instead I am in my dark room, stone-faced, tapping away at this pseudo emotional release.
5/24 - 6/1
Wednesday was the practice room concert. Amazing as always. I got footage of everyones whole set (except Konrad, I was so zoned in I completely forgot to film.) Here are my highlights from each set.
Son Oak (Greg):
Mages/Michael Brandon (Mike Mausler):
Trestin Eeling (Kenny Korb):
I got all of Tapestry (Casey's) too, but he never got through more than half a song haha and I don't know how he would feel if I posted them here, he is fucking amazing though and I really hope he like memorizes his songs and plays for us again, so so so impressed. And Glass Frog's (Konrad's) set was amazing and entrancing as always.
Thursday was mah birthday and I had a lot of people over and we played a lot of drinking games, smoked a lot of hookah, played drunk wiffle ball, listened to music, hung out, and had a lot of good bbq. Didn't have any videos of this day, because well it was pretty run-of-the mill to be honest, although I should have documented our first slap-a-hoe games... but that will be played a lot more in the future. Turned in pretty early, drinking all day really tires me out.
Friday I had to wake up at like 10 which blows and I had a double shift and I don't even remember what I did after. OH this was the night I came home to go to sleep, but then Greg convinced me to go to the DDI and play manhunt and chill with everyone, which evolved into everyone just chilled with no manhunt at the DDI. Definitely the funniest line of the night was when Thog was trying to like, recreate the scenario prior to this kid texting Jess, and he was imagining this kids friends being like "YO THAT BITCH LOOK LIKE SHE GOT A FINE VAGINA," and I don't think anyone has ever said that, ever, and I laughed about it for a long time hahahahaha. Also Steve tried to kill us all. No biggy.
SATURDAY was a shittttttttt show. I worked, and after work we were supposed to go to Molly Blooms to make fun of Jess and Kim for pouring shots there, but they bailed, so we just drank at Kim's instead, and I completed my task of getting hammered, as did everyone else it seemed. Really a good night.
Sunday night I woke up at Salwen's with Kyle and we chilled and went back to my house and Greg checked out my two pedals and then he left and I had work and after work there was a sick few games of frisbee, and even my brother came along and it was wonderful to see him having fun and getting better at the game, and enjoying himself.
Monday was memorial day and I went to Greg Falk's at like 2 and ate great barbecue and went swimming for the first time this summer, and it felt amazing. Chilled, played a lot of would you rather, and rated Jess Katon in comparison to all the other girls in smithtown MUAHAHAHA. Then I left with Kyle and went to meet with Mike and Koke at the Dennison and played one of the best games of frisbee I've ever played. Chilled with them two at the sound spot for a while talking about past loves, then dipped back to my house for some good ol' zombies and oven pizza. Salwen is gone from here on out and it really sucks. A lot.
Yesterday me and Koke went to play Weber and Mike in basketball and it was fucking scorching hot, and it wasn't fun. BUT WE WON! Then we all parted ways, and at night I did nothing and then Weber came over and we watched the basketball game.
Today I had work and I stopped by to give Eric some pizza and chill, then after work I came home and worked on the pool and backyard til the sun went down. Then eventually me and Kyle met up at the dennison, Lavelle came, Kenny came, we skated and tossed a frisbee and got some funny videos recorded on Greg's old camera which I hope Kenny uploads so I can post em here haha. These russian exchange students drove in and started taking pictures of random shit, then 2 of them went on a walk and this girl Lida came over and hung out with us for a while, and spoke REALLY broken english hahaha but we taught her how to throw a frisbee and she even tried her luck on the skateboard haha it was really cool, friendly people are great. Tried to get her to experience the sound spot but I don't think she really understood at all what we were saying and it just got awkward hahahaha. Then we parted ways and now I'm home, dreading my 11 shift tomorrow.
Son Oak (Greg):
Mages/Michael Brandon (Mike Mausler):
Trestin Eeling (Kenny Korb):
I got all of Tapestry (Casey's) too, but he never got through more than half a song haha and I don't know how he would feel if I posted them here, he is fucking amazing though and I really hope he like memorizes his songs and plays for us again, so so so impressed. And Glass Frog's (Konrad's) set was amazing and entrancing as always.
Thursday was mah birthday and I had a lot of people over and we played a lot of drinking games, smoked a lot of hookah, played drunk wiffle ball, listened to music, hung out, and had a lot of good bbq. Didn't have any videos of this day, because well it was pretty run-of-the mill to be honest, although I should have documented our first slap-a-hoe games... but that will be played a lot more in the future. Turned in pretty early, drinking all day really tires me out.
Friday I had to wake up at like 10 which blows and I had a double shift and I don't even remember what I did after. OH this was the night I came home to go to sleep, but then Greg convinced me to go to the DDI and play manhunt and chill with everyone, which evolved into everyone just chilled with no manhunt at the DDI. Definitely the funniest line of the night was when Thog was trying to like, recreate the scenario prior to this kid texting Jess, and he was imagining this kids friends being like "YO THAT BITCH LOOK LIKE SHE GOT A FINE VAGINA," and I don't think anyone has ever said that, ever, and I laughed about it for a long time hahahahaha. Also Steve tried to kill us all. No biggy.
SATURDAY was a shittttttttt show. I worked, and after work we were supposed to go to Molly Blooms to make fun of Jess and Kim for pouring shots there, but they bailed, so we just drank at Kim's instead, and I completed my task of getting hammered, as did everyone else it seemed. Really a good night.
Sunday night I woke up at Salwen's with Kyle and we chilled and went back to my house and Greg checked out my two pedals and then he left and I had work and after work there was a sick few games of frisbee, and even my brother came along and it was wonderful to see him having fun and getting better at the game, and enjoying himself.
Monday was memorial day and I went to Greg Falk's at like 2 and ate great barbecue and went swimming for the first time this summer, and it felt amazing. Chilled, played a lot of would you rather, and rated Jess Katon in comparison to all the other girls in smithtown MUAHAHAHA. Then I left with Kyle and went to meet with Mike and Koke at the Dennison and played one of the best games of frisbee I've ever played. Chilled with them two at the sound spot for a while talking about past loves, then dipped back to my house for some good ol' zombies and oven pizza. Salwen is gone from here on out and it really sucks. A lot.
Yesterday me and Koke went to play Weber and Mike in basketball and it was fucking scorching hot, and it wasn't fun. BUT WE WON! Then we all parted ways, and at night I did nothing and then Weber came over and we watched the basketball game.
Today I had work and I stopped by to give Eric some pizza and chill, then after work I came home and worked on the pool and backyard til the sun went down. Then eventually me and Kyle met up at the dennison, Lavelle came, Kenny came, we skated and tossed a frisbee and got some funny videos recorded on Greg's old camera which I hope Kenny uploads so I can post em here haha. These russian exchange students drove in and started taking pictures of random shit, then 2 of them went on a walk and this girl Lida came over and hung out with us for a while, and spoke REALLY broken english hahaha but we taught her how to throw a frisbee and she even tried her luck on the skateboard haha it was really cool, friendly people are great. Tried to get her to experience the sound spot but I don't think she really understood at all what we were saying and it just got awkward hahahaha. Then we parted ways and now I'm home, dreading my 11 shift tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
5/23/11
Thursday I worked and then went to play some frisbee. Salwen came through, and then we bounced and went to Ashley's, stopping at Weber's house first to visit his sister's little party. Ashley's was a blast, at one point I went to Tyler's with him to make grilled cheese haha. Came back and this was the conversation I returned to:
After all this me and Kenny went to sleep at Greg's. We took these things called miracle berries, and they make you're taste buds change shape and interpret tastes differently, but it really mostly just made sour food taste sweet and hot sauce not burn, it was pretty cool but a bit underwhelming haha. After that we went upstairs and watched OFWGKTA videos and talked up and chilled, I slept over.
Friday I woke up at Salwen's and we chilled for a bit, then he drove me home. Worked until 10, then went home, got dressed, and Omar picked me up to go to Kenny's. Relaxed at Kenny's, then we bounced and a bunch more people met up at Salwen's. Hung out in the Bay Ice and just sat around pretty much and listened to music and chilled. Argued with Koke and Titus Andronicus being amazing, fuck you Koke they rule. Then he drove me home and we got some Wendy's, went inside and played some zombies.
Saturday night I worked until 9, then came home, got dressed, and Weber picked me up. Went to Greg Falk's. Had a blast. Me and Kyle went 7-0 on the table, TYPICAL. Played some flipcup, ordered 9 pizzas, had dance parties and good talks. Haven't gotten drunk in a while and it was nice because I was at like a perfect level that night. Then Koke drove me and Kyle home, they both slept over. In the morning I woke up and helped finish up the fence with my dad, which is now done and the side area/party spot is ready to be grassed and chilled upon. Huzzah. Kyle and Koke got me Burger King <3
Last night Kyle came over and we chilled, then convinced him to come to frisbee! Weber came over, we went to play a big nice Smithtown game of fris, Lavelle showed, and a lot of the classics showed up too. Felt nice playing with the old smithtown crew and I really hope this summer is full of fris, and we keep the legacy going for many years. Then played a Hauppauge game, then Koke, Mike, Trash, Kyle, Jchrist and Petracca came over and we chilled for a while and talked women and played video games.
Today I woke up and watched American History X. That movie is amazing and I wish I could drive a point as well as that movie does, I feel like it's definitely something everyone in the world should see. After that Kyle came over, and we played zombies for a while, then went to the practice room where everyone was hanging out. Played some sweet Mario Party and me/Jess/Greg KICKED ASS!
Then we all talked about devil's three-ways and whatnot, and played Mafia... which was excessively loud and insane, moreso than usual, loved it.
Also, today I ordered my timebender pedal and I'm so pumped to start writing with it. I also now can EASILY save up for my tattoo before my July trips, and have mad money to bring with me on said trips. HUZZAH.
After all this me and Kenny went to sleep at Greg's. We took these things called miracle berries, and they make you're taste buds change shape and interpret tastes differently, but it really mostly just made sour food taste sweet and hot sauce not burn, it was pretty cool but a bit underwhelming haha. After that we went upstairs and watched OFWGKTA videos and talked up and chilled, I slept over.
Friday I woke up at Salwen's and we chilled for a bit, then he drove me home. Worked until 10, then went home, got dressed, and Omar picked me up to go to Kenny's. Relaxed at Kenny's, then we bounced and a bunch more people met up at Salwen's. Hung out in the Bay Ice and just sat around pretty much and listened to music and chilled. Argued with Koke and Titus Andronicus being amazing, fuck you Koke they rule. Then he drove me home and we got some Wendy's, went inside and played some zombies.
Saturday night I worked until 9, then came home, got dressed, and Weber picked me up. Went to Greg Falk's. Had a blast. Me and Kyle went 7-0 on the table, TYPICAL. Played some flipcup, ordered 9 pizzas, had dance parties and good talks. Haven't gotten drunk in a while and it was nice because I was at like a perfect level that night. Then Koke drove me and Kyle home, they both slept over. In the morning I woke up and helped finish up the fence with my dad, which is now done and the side area/party spot is ready to be grassed and chilled upon. Huzzah. Kyle and Koke got me Burger King <3
Last night Kyle came over and we chilled, then convinced him to come to frisbee! Weber came over, we went to play a big nice Smithtown game of fris, Lavelle showed, and a lot of the classics showed up too. Felt nice playing with the old smithtown crew and I really hope this summer is full of fris, and we keep the legacy going for many years. Then played a Hauppauge game, then Koke, Mike, Trash, Kyle, Jchrist and Petracca came over and we chilled for a while and talked women and played video games.
Today I woke up and watched American History X. That movie is amazing and I wish I could drive a point as well as that movie does, I feel like it's definitely something everyone in the world should see. After that Kyle came over, and we played zombies for a while, then went to the practice room where everyone was hanging out. Played some sweet Mario Party and me/Jess/Greg KICKED ASS!
Then we all talked about devil's three-ways and whatnot, and played Mafia... which was excessively loud and insane, moreso than usual, loved it.
Also, today I ordered my timebender pedal and I'm so pumped to start writing with it. I also now can EASILY save up for my tattoo before my July trips, and have mad money to bring with me on said trips. HUZZAH.
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